Gigglossary
Chambers Gigglossary is an online project that gives you the chance to write humorous definitions for words in a similar style to those in The Chambers Dictionary. The Chambers Dictionary is famous for its humorous and witty definitions. Although the most famous is probably that of éclair ("a cake long in shape but short in duration"), there are in fact many others - see the full list of humorous definitions.
The new tenth edition of The Chambers Dictionary, published in summer 2006, preserves this tradition with some new humorous definitions. See the list of new humorous definitions.
Submit your humorous definition using the form at the bottom of this page. All entries submitted to Chambers Gigglossary will be read by Chambers editors and a selection posted on this website. Here are some of the best to have been submitted so far:
abbreviation a long word used to describe a short word used in place of a long word (Sam Thewlis)
accountant a person who will prove that two and two did make four, but, after deducting professional fees, now only comes to three (Roy Adams)
antibiotics the ideal thing to give to the man who has everything (T Ridd)
argument an exchange of words between people with diametrically opposed views, all of whom know that they are right (Kevin Boddington)
autobiography a book written about oneself, now often written by somebody else (A Smith)
bagpipes an instrument of torture used by the Scots against other nations (Andy Cole)
bail an opportunity to see if you can get away with it the second time (N Jones)
bargain something you can't use offered at a price you can't resist (Ned Kelly)
bra burner woman who would rather rely on support from her fellow protestors (Steve Hume)
cat a partially domesticated animal who keeps you as a pet (Peter Allen)
chin a part of the face that has evolved in humans specifically to assist in putting pillow-cases on pillows (Ian Duffy)
Christmas a time of year when people empty their bank accounts, come to blows with their relations and suffer embarrassment at office parties, but which is nevertheless referred to as a period of rejoicing (Keith Lord)
colloquialism a formal word for an informal word (David Cook)
commitment the capacity of a would-be husband to do what he's told (Warren Keyes)
common sense practical wisdom and understanding, and as such, not common at all (Alan J K Duval)
comprehension something that one has to get in order to get it (Dave Peters)
computer an electronic time-saving device that is commonly used for time-wasting activities (Warwick Annear)
computer expert someone who has not read the instructions, but who will nevertheless feel qualified to install a program and, when it does not function correctly, pronounce it incompatible with the operating system (Priscilla Mann)
confidence the feeling one experiences before one fully understands the situation (R McCarthy)
contract a document that makes extortion legal (J A Coleman)
cooperate used of oneself, to enter into a constructive collaboration with another person; used of someone else, to do exactly as one is told (Gordon Burnside)
democracy a system which ensures that everybody gets what nobody wants (Iain Leonard)
dieting wishful shrinking (anon)
DIY an abbreviation for Damage-It-Yourself (Mike Allen)
dog a man's best friend - after football, beer, women, television, snooker, more beer... (G Kelly)
dropout a rebel without a course (Richard May)
dyslexia a medical condition whose sufferers couldn't possibly spell it (Nigel Drury)
English a language that is now spoken fluently in many countries of the world - although rarely in England (Billy Price)
experience the ability to repeat one's mistakes with ever-increasing confidence (Patrick Hoyte)
fashion a means of expressing one's individuality by wearing and doing exactly the same things as others (Neil Jones)
freedom of speech the right to be listened to that civilized societies gives to people, even when they have nothing to say (Ross Hay)
fun a form of enjoyment that advertising agencies would have you believe everyone, except yourself, is having (Tobias Reynolds)
girlfriend a man's future ex-wife (Yamraaj)
global warming a meteorological phenomenon cited to explain the appearance of three consecutive days of fine weather in a British summer (Steve Wylie)
help desk a department of a business organization that purports to combine help and a desk but invariably delivers only 50% of these (Tim King)
home an estate agent's word for a house (Robert Hirst)
horrific a word used to describe an accident on any occasion when 'tragic' is inappropriate (Lawrence Mayes)
hospital a place to which the sick and the injured are rushed at breakneck speed, and then asked to wait for several hours before being seen by a nurse or doctor (Ben Paddon)
husband a person who empties the waste paper bin and believes that he has cleaned the whole house (anon)
hypochondria the only illness a hypochondriac thinks he or she doesn't have (Chris Wyles)
indicator board a board displaying the time when a train or bus is scheduled to depart, as opposed to the actual departure time of the train or bus (B H Langleben)
innumeracy an ineptitude for mathematics which results in the fear of all sums (Simon Stacey)
instruction manual an explanation of how to use something written in a way that is easily understood only by the author (Phil Smith)
journalist someone who knows almost nothing about almost everything (Pierre Leroux)
liberal a person who reacts to losing an argument by calling you a fascist (Madison Higgs)
lisp the result of muddled lips (Ledger White)
local council a group of people who meet to discuss the best way of doing something before giving the job to whoever submits the cheapest tender (Ben Paddon)
management consultant someone who tells you how to do improve doing something that he or she can't do at all (Shankar Sivanandan)
manager someone who is paid a lot of money to watch other people do all the work (Vincent Murray)
marketing the art of selling a product that doesn't cost much to produce in such a way that people will take out a small loan to own it (Jo Buckingham)
martial art a technique that uses aesthetically pleasing movements to render one's opponent less aesthetically pleasing (Damien Whinnery)
menstrual cycle a process that is repeated ova and ova again (R Saunders)
mobile phone an electronic device for one-to-one communication and one-to-many irritation (Chris Simmons)
monosyllable a contradiction in terms (Sam Thewlis)
morris dancer a drinker with a dance problem (Peter Bones)
naturist a person who prefers to go about naked, and by doing so reminds others why it is a good idea to go about clothed (Robert James)
neighbours the people who live in the place that would be your back garden if only you had more money (Rick Luskin)
net curtains the result of a World Wide Web server crashing (N S Cowley)
oxymoron a stupid cow (anon)
paranoia why do you want to know? (Shankar Sivanandan)
personal stereo device for playing music, which includes a set of earphones to ensure that it can be heard by all the other passengers on the train (Roy Adams)
phantom pregnancy a state of labouring under a misconception (Acton)
pittance the amount a peasant is paid for removing the stones from olives (David Rowe)
plan an outline of how things are to be done, which will be completely ignored while completing the task (anon)
politics the art of answering a question with another question (David Canning)
pub crawl the shortest distance between two pints (Ambrose Kennedy)
procrastination a word I didn't get round to defining today but might get round to tomorrow (P Gheorghiu)
psychiatrist a person with a degree of mental illness (N S Cowley)
pyromania a misplaced burning ambition (John Lamper)
quality a meaningless word used by estate agents to add 10 per cent to the cost of an unremarkable house (B Macauley)
reality an illusion sometimes experienced by people who have not drunk enough alcohol (anon)
recursive see recursive (Terry John)
ringtone a tuneless succession of bleeps, often based on an equally tuneless song, downloaded to a mobile phone by thousands of teenagers as a way of expressing their individuality (K Eyles)
search engine a program that enables computer users to locate information and advertisers to locate computer users (Damien Whinnery)
short cut a more direct route between two points, typically increasing the time it takes to reach your destination (Peter M Smith)
skiving when one is working hard at not working at all (Simon Fowles)
sport any game devised by the English and taught to foreigners, who then promptly thrash the English at it (Henry Drury)
sprightly an adjective applied by journalists to anyone over 60 who is still breathing (Carol Baxter)
suicide an act that could involve jumping to a conclusion (J T B Visser)
teacher a person who talks to himself for a living - as opposed to a lunatic, who talks to himself for fun (Chris Butler)
thatcher 1 a craftsman who for a charge will put a new roof over one's head. 2 (with cap) a politician who will charge for the existing roof over one's head. (Joe O'Farrell)
thunderstorm a rain of terror (Dave Pugh)
timetable a list that sets out all the times when a train will definitely not be departing on any particular day (N Wong)
tree in Ireland, the number that comes between two and four (G Cubie)
unbelievable a word used by sports commentators to describe any normal event (G Kelly)
voicemail an automated answering service for when you are more mobile than your phone (Ross Hay)
wife a woman who has ceased to be your girlfriend and resents anyone attempting to fill the vacancy (Dick Chinnery)
women's studies a subject requiring broad research (Joe O'Farrell)
